One Journey

Looking back over the WHY that I chose when first coming on this journey, was that "all stones be unturned". When you struggle with food your whole life; you learn to hide many habits. These hidden ways become your demons, they hold you in bondage. They grow, they mold, and they become rooted. The longer they root, the hardier they become and eventually become your comfort. That's how sin is, it becomes comfortable until it's not enough. You then you have to go further and deeper to get the same satisfaction. That's the downward spiral of a food addict.

I've never realized I was a food addict as the term seemed foreign to me. No one ever commented on my weight, as I always maintained a so-so weight. At times I would break down and join various weight loss programs. I'd get the weight off but never dig under those stones. It was as if I was standing on those very stones declaring victory over my recent weight loss. But when the lights dim and I step off those stones, they slowly pulled me back. One bite at a time, one sneak for an extra helping, a few pieces of junk here, hiding food there, never feeling satisfied there, pound by pound it always came back on, but usually with vengeance. Finally I accepted that I had to be "comfortable" with my weight or I will feel like I am struggling with food my whole life and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I was in a battle. Even the "taste" of being skinny, wearing skinny clothes, having the praise on my weight loss, feeling ecstatic in my new size, nothing could break me free of my bondage. The problem was that I didn't know I was standing on these stones. I didn't know I had bondage. I didn't know my habits were chains, rooted so deep, keeping me locked in the endless cycle of weight loss-weight gain. The last program I did, I lost all the weight and once again, promised myself I would NEVER EVER EVER gain the weight back. I didn't care what it would take but I never wanted to lose the feeling of feeling so good about my size. I was going to put in all I had to maintain. Bite by bite, one sneak for an extra helping, few pieces of junk here, and so forth, my obsessions came back and so did the weight, pound by pound. I even reached out for support as I saw it was coming back on, as if it was uncontrollable. I was told, "stick to your plan", "don't eat this", "work out", "exercise", "cut out sugar", and on and on. I worked hard, so hard just to stick to the plan. 3 days maybe 5 days top I could make it. Then slowly fell back at the bottom: helpless, physically helpless.

At these deepest times, I knew that I needed to address my inability to get control over my choices. At that point is when I began to ask questions and cry out for help. God began to shed light on those stones I was standing on. Initially, I confided in a friend who shared these same struggles and we joked about our bad habits. We were laughing about how we answered yes to many questions of the Food Addict questionnaire. As I hung up, I finally realized for the first time in my life that I really had issues. These same issues that food addicts struggle have. I really was faced with the reality that I seriously had a problem. But another weight loss program was another setup for failure. I cried. I cried because I realized that I am in a battle far deeper and far stronger and that I was over my head. I was drowning. These stones I was standing on were actually wrapped around my neck and drowning me.

I recalled a testimony a friend who shared about her experience with G&S. I knew I needed a mind transformation not another diet. And anything that incorporated the scripture is what I needed. Who else can give me the power I didn't have? Who else could transform my mind? Who else would know my deepest secrets and failures? Who else would be with me every single baby step of the way without failure? Who else would wake me in the morning with breath to take my hand for the day? No one could but God alone. I knew he longed for my time. I knew he longed to be my Savior, not only in my eternal salvation, but he longed to be my savior in this battle I was drowning in. When I reached out to G&S, I read how they were there to help me be empowered by living through the "grace and strength" of God. After spending hours talking with different ladies and eventually signing up and meeting my coach Monica, I knew this was the right step. She was not someone who never struggled with weight and was physically fit simply because that's just how her body worked. Instead, she did struggle with weight and she looks the way she does because she has to work hard. She has to make the right choices daily and may even struggle with making the right choices, but God has given her freedom to the very same bondage I have. I wanted that freedom; I wanted to run.

Having been on the same clean eating program in the past, I was familiar with the program and was able to jump right in with ease and found success with the program quickly. The group of ladies in my support group was reassuring and uplifting as we shared our news of the week. I felt connected and accountable. But when the time passed where normally I would have ended the diet, based on the passage of time, not where my weight was, I was to stay on program to get to the weight goal I set. This part didn't seem to be as easy. I started to meet failure after failure, just staying protocol each day. I wasn't very responsive throughout this program, in reaching out with my weight or really sharing my struggles. My mentality was selfish, well if no one is asking then no one cares. That is not to say that my amazing coach didn't ask, but I guess I wanted or needed someone in my face telling me what to do. I became stubborn and I have no idea why! It was like I was having these feelings of resentment over all the success these girls were having, the praise reports, even all the bible stuff they shared, I felt alone and slipping. I didn't reach out. I found myself eating and overeating followed by shame and guilt, weakness, failure and then the tears came. I cried out "what is wrong with me"! I then made the awful mistake of purging, on more than one occasion, so that I could rid myself of that guilt. It was a really sad moment looking back. I was broken. I broke down and reached out to my coach in a letter. Monica grabbed my hand and told me, "this journey is NOT about weight loss". This journey is not about weight loss? I had to let that sink in and the realization was that this journey is NOT about weight loss. It may take me 5 years for those last 10 pounds to come off, but at that moment in time, I finally forgot about the weight loss. The journey is about me breaking free, it's about me living in freedom. The weight loss will come but that's not what I struggled with. The heart of my battle was with my mind, not my weight. Later that week, I broke down in our support group about my battle. I was real and didn't hold back. I didn't want to hear about all the great things going on, I wanted, or rather, I needed to know I wasn't alone in these chains. One by one, many of the girls broke down. It was one of the most real breakthroughs I felt we had as a group. We cried together, we bonded together, and Monica helped us take the next step together. I finally didn't feel so alone and for the first time, I felt empowered.

I went on the complete the phase and I wish I can say I broke thru those next 10 pounds, but it was only 6 pounds. But I reached a goal that I haven't seen in over 10 years. I knew it was time to move on and work on the next phase of freedom. Sticking to protocol with so many restrictions is actually the easy part. The hard part is when you have the freedom to choose, what do you choose? When you fail in your choices, what do you do? How do you rebound? A friend shared in our group after my breakdown, that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. She was right. No longer was I bound to condemnation for my failure. It's about picking up and keeping on the race that is set before me. There are NO detours. There are no "go back to start". This is it. It's my journey and I am pushing forward. No longer am I bound by fear that it can't be done, and my fear that one day I will wake up one day and all this weight will be back on. I read this quote once:

The only way you can conquer fear is to confront it. It will never go away unless you drive it back into hell where it came from and the only way you can do that is if you keep going forward all the while the devil is trying to drive you backwards.

This may be my battle for my life. But I am not alone. I have my friends at G&S. I have my resources. Most importantly, I have the armor of God to keep me victorious. I am equipped. Our walk with God is about grace. We will not do life perfectly. I will not eat perfectly. But God is there with his grace. And when we walk with him, we are empowered; we have strength. For the times I want to fall back, God is there to give me the strength to stay the course. I never really looked at the name Grace and Strength, except for simply the name of a company. But for me, the name is perfect. On this journey we need both. I know that I am in a new battle field and that is learning to live in freedom and not allow my old addictive habits to win. I think I will always have those addictions. But I am prepared to face them and I have been given the tools and strength to battle them. My prayer is that I can live this freedom in the months to come and that next year I can share my freedom.

I held off writing this testimony because getting the weight off was the easy part. I wanted to see if I can keep the weight off before I shared. I felt like a testimony is when you are done with a battle and come out victorious. But I realized that we are a walking testimony to those in Christ Jesus. Each day I add to my testimony. There is not a day, your testimony ends. It is simply a point in time. So this is my testimony as of 9/30/14. Praise be to God for all he has done! He wakes me in the morning and we have to take one day at a time, sometimes I have to just take it one hour at a time. But each night he is faithful to be there to rejoice with me and to cover me with his grace at my failures. I take refuge in his garden and offer him my life to prune my thoughts. He is my gardener. I know those weeds of lies and addiction will always try to climb back into my life. The pruning may hurt, but I am meant to blossom. I am meant to run. I am meant to be free!

---

* Individual results may vary.