The past few weeks have been momentous for me, and I have had to step back to regroup several times. When this happens, I often find myself reclusive, frustrated, and mentally reaching for answers, solutions and resolve. I've not liked how it's felt but rather than look at it as a place of uncertainty, hopelessness and pain, I'm choosing to look at it as a place to remember all the "w-h" questions that brought me to where I am today, and the opportunity to help others along the way. I can't do that from any other format than one of openness, truth and honesty...

A little over a month ago, I was asked to write a blog. Nothing too hard right? Well, I tried and tried and tried, but nothing I felt applicable or appropriate was there. I'm not one that just writes to be writing, or to hear myself speak. I'm one who, almost daily, writes something in my journal as I take time to reflect on my small victories and/or accomplishments I've made along the way with God's help. Most of these 'things' I write about have been my journey from a devastated little girl who was abused in every facet of the word, into the person I am today..someone who wants nothing more than to allow God to use my pains of yesterday to help those who have similar pasts, or presents, and are searching for the same peace and victorious moments I have been blessed to achieve and notice on a daily basis...

With that said, here goes that truth and honesty I previously spoke about...

Transparency is difficult for me. Transparency leads to vulnerablity and I do not like feeling vulnerable. People can be cruel and I've had more than my share of cruelty expressed toward me and even acted out at me due to speaking up or my perspective on MY life and how I've choose to look at certain aspects of my past.

Here's one of the most recent moments that I wrote about in my journal...

...For right at about 32 years now, I've gone through a series of emotions and feeling when I hear sirens. Whether faint or within a block of where I am, the sound of the loud, screeching noises meant to get the attention of those in it's path has gotten my attention on a completely different level. I never knew or understood why, but the instant I'd hear them, my heart became heavy and would literally ache, I'd get a lump in my throat that made each breath feel distant like there was an elephant sitting on my chest, my body would tremble, and my mind wandered as I began to fear someone I knew or loved needing help, being hurt or dying. To some this may sound crazy or  insane. To me, it was very real and extremely exhausting with living 2 blocks from the fire house.

This morning at 4am I woke to the sound of sirens passing my house. Sitting up on the side of the bed, I took many long deep breaths waiting for the sirens and overwhelming feelings to pass. After a few moments I reached up for my bible and cuddled it in my arms as I spoke a little prayer and eventually fell back to sleep...

Dreaming of one of those times and places from my early childhood was the last thing I wanted or expected. I didn't recall this particular event I just dreamed... I felt confused and scared of asking because childhood is NOT discussed in my bloodline, end of story!! But I HAD to know... Calling someone who would know the answers to my questions, it was made very clear to me the events of that day I just dreamed about and her recollection of the event from her perspective was EXACTLY what I dreamed!! I got off the phone stumped and unsure of what to do with what I dreamed, what was confirmed, and what I was feeling.

For many years, nightmares haunted my sleep, bringing my past into my present and affected my future days ahead. Initially I felt attacked and began to cry from the pain felt during the incident creating this 32 year ordeal for me...

The dream...One day in kindergarten while at recess, I was sliding down the slide and watched an ambulance race by. I went to sit on the curb expressing my desire to call my mother to my sister. When we got home from school, my mother was gone and my father told us kids that our mother had died. We went through the grieving process alone as my father didn't allow time for crying babies... For every question we had, another lie was presented. We couldn't go to the funeral because "funeral homes is not the place for children", etc...

A month later, an ambulance pulled up to our home and when the paramedic opened the back of the ambulance, there my mother layed very much alive and recovering from multiple surgeries resulting from my father beating her... I woke up...

Yes, I cried at how I was feeling at the moment having just remembered this in a dream, but more so for those involved years ago and the unnecessary pain endured. Then it hit me... I DO NOT live in that "place" anymore! My past is just that, the past! I choose whether I let my past affect me, and I choose to not let this derail me and my destination or purpose. I dare not let it knock me flat on my back or make me feel scared, ashamed, or less than those who didn't come from this type of background. I AM one of God's favorites!! He WILL and HAS brought me to a much better place with the ability to help those who are still hurting from their pains of yesterday.

I layed across my bed emotionally drained and reminding myself "God doesn't waste pain, Anna!...God doesn't waste pain!"... A short time later, I woke to sirens passing my home, but this time I didn't feel any of the emotions I had been dealing with for all these years! It was gone!! GONE!! I felt EXCITED, RELIEVED, BLESSED... Now, every time I hear a siren, I pray for those in need of their assistance...and I thank God for lifting this hurt from my heart and giving me peace within...

A few hours later, I'm on the phone with my "Spiritual Momma" telling her about what I had just experienced when sirens began to echo through my home and ears. I recall thinking (and may have even said) "this may sound silly to you, but..." as I told her what had happened to me over the past few hours...

So as I said earlier, transparency is hard for me. Not because I do not realize we all have those 'things' that have tripped us up or even knocked us down, but because sharing those moments exposes more about ME than I've ever cared to share publicly. God is Faithful, and I'm taking on a new perspective... If it can possibly help one person, then who am I to not share what God has done for me?!

So as I frequently ask others in trying times come back to mind...

"What can/should I be learning from this experience and season in my life?" ...

... I AM one of His Favorites and He loves ME regardless of where I've been!

... My past does not define me, yet it does make me stronger!

... I am victorious!

**With exposure comes my real freedom!

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* Individual results may vary.